So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
