I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
