she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I came so hard my ears popped.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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