you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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