Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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