yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
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How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize