Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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