it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
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he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
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I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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