Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
