the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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