i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
