If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
