i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
