can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
