then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
