in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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