Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
