Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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