Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
