There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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