Just fell off a train. Bad.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
