the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You pole danced in your parka.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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