i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
