It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
