I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
