she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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