It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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