Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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