My nipple is on Facebook.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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