weddingsv make me drug and hornr
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?