Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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