He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
