I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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