Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
