just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
