So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You smell like stripper and shame
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
