I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
