Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
