oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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