I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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