I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
