Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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