You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
