I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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