3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
