hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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