Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
