I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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