I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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