I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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