I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Randomize
