I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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