i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
