There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
